Triggers… Or memories.

Romans 8:38-39 – “For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”

Recently, while listening to a podcast for widowed moms, the speaker began to relive the experience of losing her husband. I have followed this podcast constantly. It usually comes after my morning Bible reading and devotional as I get ready for work. The topic is life as a widowed mom, so it should be no surprise that she talks about loss and grieving and living while doing so. I have drawn so much inspiration and encouragement from her words. She is a Master Life Coach, grief expert, widowed mom, etc…

On this podcast, she tells the story of how “it” happened. That triggered a reaction out of me that I didn’t really expect. It rendered me motionless, a sobbing mess in the car. In fact, I stopped listening within just a few moments. I did, however, come back later to finish it. Throughout that day, though, I thought about how that story had triggered some extremely painful memories for me. I also thought about the word “triggered”. We hear it tossed about so much in today’s society. You see people post “TW” before a post that could possibly evoke a reaction out of someone. The word is used as an escape, an excuse, a description. “That speech had me so triggered” “Trigger warning: …” It has almost become as commonplace and derisive as “safe space”.

The truth is, our words and actions affect those around us. I can’t make you feel something, but my actions and words can cause you to have thoughts, which lead to feelings. The speaker telling her story might make someone that has never experienced the loss of a spouse to feel empathetic and maybe wistful toward the situation. On the other hand, for someone that HAS experienced that loss, it can evoke memories of that devastatingly difficult time of their life. Those memories result in feelings, and in my case, tears and a grief meltdown. And that’s perfectly fine. I allowed myself to feel, to fall apart, and to take a moment and pull myself together. And that is also perfectly fine. If all you can do is open your eyes, or get up and brush your teeth, or actually make it the getting dressed part, then you are doing great. It’s perfectly ok to have days where you are doing good to brush your hair. It’s perfectly ok to have days where you power through work and dinner and kids and collapse in your tub at the end of the day and sob into bubbles. I’m pretty sure the tub in my bathroom thinks it’s a saltwater tank.

On the days where you can barely breathe, or on the days where you feel like you will be fine, God is still with you. Even if you can’t feel Him. I went months without feeling anything. Felt like I got more out of reading a dictionary, than from reading the Word. I read and prayed anyway. Your mind is in a fog, especially those first few months. You have a hard time remembering things, have difficulty processing emotion, even struggle to know WHAT you need much less being able to tell others that you need it. These are all normal and you are NOT broken and NOT alone. When we read Romans 8:38-39, we often interpret “neither death” as applying to our own death. As someone who has walked the grief road and felt the overwhelming loneliness of loss, it’s important to understand that it also applies to the death of loved ones. When it feels like your very identity, status, way of thinking has changed, remember that God never changes.

You are not alone. I am here for you.