Widow 101 part 1

The Official Handbook For Widows.

Ok, full disclosure, there is NO handbook for widowed people, male or female. I guess a more proficient title would be “What They Don’t Tell You.” There is no right or wrong way to do the Widow thing.

You will have to make decisions you weren’t prepared for. Even if you pre-planned. I got “THE CALL” shortly after 10pm that I needed to come up to the hospital. He passed around midnight. By 2am, I was dragging my exhausted body into bed. Around 3 the hospital called asking which funeral home I wanted to use. I had literally no idea, so I did a quick google for one in my area. About 30 minutes later, the on-call staff at that funeral home called me and I had an appointment that morning to make arrangements. At 9 that morning, I was sitting with my step-daughter and a kind man in a dark suit discussing services and cremation vs. bury and family history and creating an obituary. I was numb, on auto-pilot. It was all so surreal.

Widow’s Fog/Widow’s Brain is real. You will have a hard time processing things. Your body is still in shock. Make lists. Make notes. Keep a notepad handy everywhere. You will forget things that normally are no big deal. You will find yourself in the midst of a conversation and not remember a word previously said. That’s ok. Allow yourself grace. Delegate what you can. You do not have to handle all aspects of everything. There’s no trophy for Widow Of The Year. Allow others to help you. Sometimes, you may not have the mental energy to even know WHAT you need, much less the energy to ask for it. Let others help you with that. It is NOT a sign of weakness to need help. You are fighting a battle that no one else can see, and it’s biblical to allow others to hold your arms up.

You will have days where the phrase “I’m sorry for your loss” will make you want to scream, or vomit, or both. There is no way for those five words to ever cover the heartache you’re feeling. Other days, you NEED someone to acknowledge the loss, as if those five words are the title to how lost you feel. Allow yourself the grace you need on those days. Allow others grace as well. Remember, just as you were not given a book on how to do this, no one else has a book on how to help you through this. They are going to say the wrong thing. They are going to do the wrong thing. They are going to give you words that feel shallow and empty, no matter how deeply they want to help. They will use the dreaded “At least…” statements. We’ve all been there.

You are loved, and you are so not alone in this. There are people around you that are there for you. I am here for you. God is always there for you. Even when you don’t feel him.