‘Til Death Do Us Part…

Feels like a lie

There. I said it.

From the time that you discover the concept of marriage, the traditional words “For richer or poorer, for better or worse” are symbolic of the vows you set your sights on. You get a little dreamy-eyed imagining the day you get to stand up in front of God and everyone and repeat those words to the love of your life. You get the vision of a white picket fence, maybe two children (one boy, one girl), family car, a dog. Maybe a couple of rocking chairs on the front porch. Whatever your interpretation of the American Dream is.

‘Til Death Do Us Part is such an abstract concept in those moments of youthful hope. The reality, though, is that Death will come. One day, it will come. On this side of heaven, Death is going to visit you or touch your life in some way.

When the inevitable, almost unthinkable, happens, ‘Til Death Do Us Part feels so different. Newsflash, it won’t end at that life-changing moment. There isn’t a switch that clicks and you are suddenly ok. It keeps going on even after that. It just feels so different. I had a conversation with my little one this past weekend. She was worried that I will forget her father. I told her that will never happen. He was my best friend, my husband, and the father of my child. I described a picture of him that will be how I remember him forever. It was her second day of life, and he is holding her. The look of love in his eyes as he gazes down at this beautiful little creature that he has absolutely fallen in love with is so powerful. And that will be how I choose to remember him.

I also told her that how I love him had to change. I couldn’t keep pouring love into him in the same way that I did before because that would exhaust me. For me to pour my heart into a man that is no longer and cannot give back would kill me. Now, I have to love him very differently. I have to love him with a fondness, a nostalgia. I have to cling to the memories because he and I can no longer make more together. I will continue to make memories and I will also harbor a sadness for the moments he no longer can participate in. This great big old world keeps turning even though our world has changed.

In this way, Til Death Do Us Part feels like a huge lie. Even after death, you will miss them so much. You will love them so much. You will feel them sometimes. You will have grief grenades that come out of nowhere. You will have grief waves that sweep over you. You will have moments of tearful smiles as you remember something, or you experience something that they never can. Their birthday will come along, your anniversary, father’s/mother’s day, Valentines, your child’s birthday. Some part of life will come along to remind you that they are not present for that moment. You will tear up, maybe have a moment of crying, and then you will embrace this new moment.

Death doesn’t necessarily part us. It just changes how we get to love them.

You are not alone.